Over the past couple of days, I’ve been more discouraged than usual, which is saying a lot. Rejection combined with reminders of bills that I can’t pay, resulting in further financial ruin and the loss of my possessions, yeah. Not having a good time. Pretty hopeless, in fact. And hopelessness, as I remarked to my comrade Mr. A via instant message, leads to poor choices.
For my part, choosing poorly involves wasting money rather than picking the wrong Grail. My thought process this weekend has more or less been along the following lines: “It doesn’t matter. I’ve fallen too far. I can’t climb out now. To hell with it, I’m getting a meal at Wendy’s.” Remember, hot food is a privilege denied to people on food stamps. A fresh burger and fries requires actual money, and so I wildly opted to spend some of my online survey earnings on a Bacon Jalapeño Double combo. I splurged on another badly-thought-out meal the following night.
Quelle Horreur!
Here, have some smelling salts. When you’ve recovered from the outrage at an unemployed adult wasting cash on fast food, we can proceed with the next part of the story in which I decided to make another questionable purchase.
Earlier today, I came to a resolution of sorts: I know I’m saved. I know I’m going to Heaven when I die. I know that God forgave me for all of my sins, past, present, and future, when he accepted me. He knew all the bad things I’d done, and he knew every bad thing I would eventually do. He took me anyway. God won’t turn me away for one last sin.
I still have a small stash of funds, which even before my prodigal chow spending was not enough to cover even a single past-due debt. It’s sufficient to keep gas in my car, do some laundry at a coin-operated facility somewhere, and/or spend ONE night at the flea-infested drug-riddled crime-beleaguered motel our little town boasts.
Exit Sign
I decided this afternoon to make a different purchase. For materials of a certain…final nature. As I mentioned off-handedly before, I’ve done some research recently. The products in question are readily and legally available, inexpensive, and not suspicious in any way.
My tentative plan was to remain with my PC during the day while enjoying the air conditioning as long as possible. I’d wait until nightfall to go shopping for these materials, juuuuust in case. Meanwhile, I took a restless nap. (I have not been sleeping well at all since I lost access to my own bed. Car, loft, couch, it doesn’t matter. I can drop off, I can doze, but my brain isn’t relaxing, ever.)
Woman, Interrupted
My plans were unexpectedly impeded by a couple of church people. A lady and her daughter, with whom I’m casually acquainted, appeared rather suddenly at the door as I was shaking the lack of sleep out of my eyes. They invited me to join them for a little casual dinner.
This is, shall we say, rather unprecedented behavior coming from the females of this particular church. I’m accustomed to being ignored, at best. For a couple of minutes, I seriously considered how to politely decline, because that’s how broken my normal is: Bitch unceasingly about how unfriendly and unwelcoming these people are, and then turn down their kindness when they do offer it, uh duh.
Fortunately, God overcame the Abuser‘s whispers in that moment. I shut off my PC and followed them, where we proceeded to spend the next few hours chatting and noshing.
Stay of Execution
These two ladies are, to a small extent, aware of my circumstances and how the church is helping me. I haven’t publicly made it known how very severe my mental health problems are, though. In a casual setting, such as our little get-together this evening, I can keep up appearances and engage in bright conversation. I look almost normal.
It’s nearly certain that neither of these women know that they may have saved my life, at least for tonight. I can’t say how I’ll feel or what I will do tomorrow. But for now, I’m gathering my things and heading to my campsite once the outside air has cooled off. My shopping trip is, for the moment, postponed.
If you know someone who is struggling, and if you have the means to do so, offer some of your time. Invite them to a movie, you have “an extra ticket.” You have “too much food” at your house because somebody else bailed on you, can they help you eat it? There’s a show, or an event, or a book club, or a new restaurant in town, and you don’t want to go alone or drag your kid or your spouse with you, blah blah blah. You don’t have to pay someone’s bills or give them a place to live in order to make a difference.